Confessions of an Alchemist
by Hiretsukan
Summary: A fairy tale ala Full Metal Alchemist, tells the story of a boy who got cursed by the Pope and the only way to break the curse was to lose his virginity by the age of thirtyone.


Once upon a time…

There lived a small boy alchemist and his younger, partly retarded, brother. One very rainy and overly dramatic night, they tried to resurrect their mother back from the dead. However, not everything went according to the little tike's plans. You see; Pope John Paul II overheard of this sinful act that has been… acted out and felt it was his PERSONAL duty to go and give the two boys a stern spanking.

"Such a blasphemies act to be committed only thousands of mile away from me! I will not tolerate this!!!" The Pope shouted in utter outrage. He and his minions boarded the ever God-fearing Delta airplane and flew to Germany to put a stop to such sin.

Upon arriving in Germany, the Pope boarded an even more God-fearing Volks Wagon and drove himself personally, with the accompaniment of his minions, to the young alchemist's house. The Pope had unfortunately caught the young one at a bad time as the alchemist, his brother and all of their friends, including a little old dwarf woman, were celebrating the boy's birthday.

"Stoppeth Thee!" The Pope uttered such made-up words at the young alchemist, while his minions raided the party.

"Who the hell are you?" the young alchemist asked.

"My name is Pope John Paul II!" the Pope answered.

"Who?" the little dwarf woman repeated the alchemist's earlier question.

"I'm the Pope! Do none of you know who the Pope is?" the Pope was even more outraged at the even bigger sin the alchemist just committed.

"I like grapes!" the alchemist's younger, partly retarded brother exclaimed.

"That is very delightful, but we have bigger issues to discuss!!!" the Pope acknowledged the little hindered child's remark and moved the plot of the story along.

"Why are you ruining my party?" the alchemist asked, watching the pope's minions open all of his presents. "Hey!!! Those presents are mine!!!!!!!"

The minions opened present after present, laughing at the misery of the little child, watching his innocence get raped before everyone's eyes.

"You have committed a sin unto this earth!" the Pope explained. "You have tried to bring back the dead and such an act is the same if you just peed directly onto God." The Pope over exaggerated.

"Not really" the alchemist said. "We know what we did was wrong and we paid for it. See I have one arm and leg-"

"Oh yes." The Pope laughed a little at the boy's pain.

"And my brother lost his body!"

"And his brains! Woo!!!" a random person in the background shouted.

"I feel that you two have not learned you lesson." The Pope said.

"I assure you they have. They've been through A LOT in these past 52 episodes and 1 theatrical movie." The dwarf woman told the Pope.

"I curseth thee!" the Pope created new words to show his anger. "Upon your thirty-first birthday, you shall get pricked by a needle on a spinning wheel and DIE!!!"

Everyone in the room fell into shock, for they ever so obviously knew that by "pricked" the Pope meant, "fucked"!!! (Come on it's an FMA fanfic after all)

"Dear heavens no!!!" the dwarf woman fell on her back, now finding it hard to get back up. "Not the young one, he's still a VIRGIN!"

The children laughed.

"Ha, ha. You're still a virgin." Mocked one blonde, pony-tailed girl as she tweaked her nipple with a wrench.

"Well…" the young alchemist looked blushingly at the floor. His younger and partly retarded brother ran around the room, eating cake and drooling.

"My dear dwarf woman, I will teach this boy the lesson of a lifetime!!!" the Pope threw a gas bomb on the floor and with a poof, vanished into his Volks Wagon and drove off.

"All hope is not lost yet!" a blonde woman, packing a K-457 walks into the, now ruined, room.

"What do you mean?" the dwarf woman asked.

"If the alchemist is to lose his virginity BEFORE he turns thirty three, the curse will be broken." The crazy gun lady explained.

"How do you justify that?" the alchemist said.

"It is the only LOGICAL way to incorporate sex into this story."

"I see."

And with that, Prince Roy came galloping on his mustang to whisk the young alchemist off his feet.

"Help! I'm being abducted!!!" the young alchemist screamed like a girl and the prince looked at him with sinful and pedophilic eyes.

Now, the remainder of the tale states that the prince in fact stole the alchemist's virginity, and the curse of the Pope never came to pass. But unfortunately that is the only GOOD news. You see, the prince was bombarded by an onslaught of lawsuits and spent the remainder of his life in prison. As for the alchemist… well with all of the money he made from the lawsuits, he paid for an education for his younger, partly retarded brother. So I suppose that too was good news from the ending. The dwarf lady received for Christmas a pair of Bum Bouncers, which are bouncy things that, when strapped to your buttocks, can bounce you back up, once you fall down.

The end.


End file.
